Something Serious.

Hello All,

    So this post is going to be slightly serious.  I promise to write something extremely positive and uplifting and fun soon.  However, I must ask all of you to please read this.  This story is somewhat personal, but it all gets better at the end (new beginning? however your heart chooses to look at it).  I hope this helps you in some way.  Whether it be making yourself feel less alien, understanding me, or just pure entertainment, I hope this helps.

         So in previous blogs, I have talked about my recent hospital stay and the compassion I experienced from visitors and family members.  After the hospital, I had to do routine things, like get cleared for work, go visit the doctor and have a few more tests done.  The biggest question on just about everyone's mind was, "What made it collapse?"  It may sound dumb, but while I was curious, I was more concerned with how long is this gonna hurt?  Early on, we were told that an upper respiratory infection, along with asthma and my stubborn nature caused me to cough until my lung collapsed.  Once I got out, and had an x ray done, the doctors got more curious.  An x ray revealed, what appeared to be, cysts on my lungs.  Suddenly I was getting tested for cystic fibrosis.

        Now, if you are like me, you have no idea what cystic fibrosis is.  CF is a disease passed down that causes thick mucus and cysts to grow in the lungs, stomach and digestive tract and pretty much anywhere else in the body.  I exhibit most symptoms (nasal congestion, inability to gain weight, respiratory problems, sinus pain and pressure and a few others) so I was extremely nervous.  Even though most people with CF are diagnosed by age 2, some are diagnosed later in adulthood.  The worst part of this disease is all the other side affect.  The average life expectancy is 37 years, infertility in most people, lung collapses and generally a rough time.  The worst part being there is no cure.

      Friends, believe me when I tell you that nothing can prepare you to hear and read the above information. It's a strange thing to wonder if you have an expiration date, a timeline, a limitation of any kind.  Even harder is to share the information with your loved ones, especially your husband.  The worst part is walking around trying to stay positive when inside you're screaming frantically for a result.  So in I went for testing.  I had ct scans, blood tests another x ray.  All to see what was going on.  In the meantime, you just wait.  A lot of tears were shed, hugs exchanged and sobbing discussions on the phone.  I journaled more, slept less and prayed often.  One instance of this week stands out in my mind, above all others.

      I have a baby shower to go soon.  It is extremely depressing to shop when you are already depressed, it is even worse trying to find baby shower gifts knowing you may never get that.  Even worse is to be shopping in the store with your husband, knowing you may never give him that gift.  I can't describe the heartbreak I felt while in the diaper aisle with him, terrified and not knowing what was going to happen and breaking down and crying.  I cannot imagine not being able to have children and my heart goes out to those who cannot.

      One thing that did help me through the tough time was talking about it.  Really when you think about it, none of has any certainty of anything.  We have no guarantee.  None of us really knows our limitations, or expiration date.  For all we know, we could be in an accident that causes a new limitation.  Something awful could happen and cause our end.  We really don't know.  So at the risk of sounding trite, live like it's your last day.  Be happy, be free, be courageous. Live curiously.  love deeply.  Be you.  Smile. Dance.  Laugh out loud.  Roll the windows down, let your hair down and rejoice in this moment.

ps- tests came back negative.  To donate to CF and their families, visit cff.org and click make a donation.

Until next time.

xoxoxox
     Trista